What is Friendship?
I've been thinking a lot about friendship lately.
As a rule, I'm a pretty lousy friend. Abusive betrayal as a child, and continued betrayal as an adult, has left me scarred and generally untrusting of others and, thus, unwilling to risk any additional trauma.
Let me give you an example.
A few years back, when my depression was heavier than it had ever been and I felt that I couldn't continue feeling the way I did, I became suicidal. All my thoughts were focused on ways to do the deed while minimizing the trauma to my family. During this period, a "friend" of mine from church (he was one of the pastors) found out about my situation and called me to see how I was doing. I was already at rock bottom, so I figured, "What the hell?" and opened up to him, explaining in as much detail as I could how and why I was feeling the way I was. He, being a card-carrying Christian and all, said he'd pray for me. But then came the kicker. He added that he was going to "walk through this" with me, even if it meant driving me to my psych appointments and waiting in the lobby for me or picking up my meds. I told him I didn't want to be a burden and he told me that Christians were called to bear the burdens of others. He kept telling me that he was going to "walk through this" with me. I hung up the phone feeling a little better and somewhat encouraged. That was two years ago this month and I haven't heard from him since.
Typical.
Usually, I've made friends through my wife's friends. She'll meet a woman and I, by the rules of couple-dom, wind up stuck with the husband.
This has never worked out well.
Before we moved to St. Louis a few months back, I had two friends. One was a co-worker and the other was a friend through my wife, a man who went to our church.
Now, the friendship with the husband of my wife's friend should have been closer. Hell, we car pooled for about four months and talked about everything from families to politics to religion. When we left, he hugged me. I haven't heard from him since.
The friendship with my co-worker is another story. Jon Jackson worked in my department as a supervisor, but had this edge to him that immediately drew me to him. In a room full of deludedly career minded idiots, he saw things the way I did. We talked occasionally and when there were corporate events we'd gravitate toward one another. I liked Jon and it seemed that he liked me. However, as you can see from his blog, he's a pretty angry guy and part of me always suspected that he might be holding back on his criticism of me, waiting for me to leave so that he could skewer me like he'd done my superiors and co-drones. When I left the company, we exchanged contact information, but, honestly, I never expected to hear from him again. I was wrong. Jon has contacted me frequently to update me on his life and to offer encouragement on mine. I've invited him to visit us in St. Louis and he has said he intends to. I hope he does.
So, maybe my problem has been that I've looked for friendship in the wrong crowd. Every "friend" I've ever made at church has let me down, too busy with their own lives and interests to bother with me. Jon, and for that matter any other real friend I've made over the last 18 years, was more of a drinking buddy type, someone I could honestly talk to without faking anything.
So pass the tequila. From now on, I'm looking for friends at the bar.
And saving a stool for Jon.
As a rule, I'm a pretty lousy friend. Abusive betrayal as a child, and continued betrayal as an adult, has left me scarred and generally untrusting of others and, thus, unwilling to risk any additional trauma.
Let me give you an example.
A few years back, when my depression was heavier than it had ever been and I felt that I couldn't continue feeling the way I did, I became suicidal. All my thoughts were focused on ways to do the deed while minimizing the trauma to my family. During this period, a "friend" of mine from church (he was one of the pastors) found out about my situation and called me to see how I was doing. I was already at rock bottom, so I figured, "What the hell?" and opened up to him, explaining in as much detail as I could how and why I was feeling the way I was. He, being a card-carrying Christian and all, said he'd pray for me. But then came the kicker. He added that he was going to "walk through this" with me, even if it meant driving me to my psych appointments and waiting in the lobby for me or picking up my meds. I told him I didn't want to be a burden and he told me that Christians were called to bear the burdens of others. He kept telling me that he was going to "walk through this" with me. I hung up the phone feeling a little better and somewhat encouraged. That was two years ago this month and I haven't heard from him since.
Typical.
Usually, I've made friends through my wife's friends. She'll meet a woman and I, by the rules of couple-dom, wind up stuck with the husband.
This has never worked out well.
Before we moved to St. Louis a few months back, I had two friends. One was a co-worker and the other was a friend through my wife, a man who went to our church.
Now, the friendship with the husband of my wife's friend should have been closer. Hell, we car pooled for about four months and talked about everything from families to politics to religion. When we left, he hugged me. I haven't heard from him since.
The friendship with my co-worker is another story. Jon Jackson worked in my department as a supervisor, but had this edge to him that immediately drew me to him. In a room full of deludedly career minded idiots, he saw things the way I did. We talked occasionally and when there were corporate events we'd gravitate toward one another. I liked Jon and it seemed that he liked me. However, as you can see from his blog, he's a pretty angry guy and part of me always suspected that he might be holding back on his criticism of me, waiting for me to leave so that he could skewer me like he'd done my superiors and co-drones. When I left the company, we exchanged contact information, but, honestly, I never expected to hear from him again. I was wrong. Jon has contacted me frequently to update me on his life and to offer encouragement on mine. I've invited him to visit us in St. Louis and he has said he intends to. I hope he does.
So, maybe my problem has been that I've looked for friendship in the wrong crowd. Every "friend" I've ever made at church has let me down, too busy with their own lives and interests to bother with me. Jon, and for that matter any other real friend I've made over the last 18 years, was more of a drinking buddy type, someone I could honestly talk to without faking anything.
So pass the tequila. From now on, I'm looking for friends at the bar.
And saving a stool for Jon.
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